Pussycat in Mondolkiri

Hot damn, I'm just fresh off the crapper after a 9 hour bus ride with no break and, man, it felt like squeezing a 30 ft anaconda out of my rear end! The relief! Phew!
Anyways, this blog is not called Anal Fantasies In Cambodia, so let's get down to business. Annette made the brutal decision to get back at me by announcing to everyone at THE COMPANY that my leave of absence was due to heat rash, also known as prickly heat. Well, prickly heat is considered to be a lady's affliction in Cambodia, so naturally PingPong was more than delighted to hear this news. The little bastard even got me a Hello-Kitty purse filled with tampons! So when we began our trip to Mondolkiri with the rest of THE COMPANY to visit the waterfalls and to negotiate a new Guns for Gadgets program with the local ex-rebels I was the laughingstock of the whole crew. Even worse, when I tried to order a beer on the first morning after we got there my boss cancelled my order saying it was too early for beer. Too early for beer? I didn't even know that sentence existed! And that creepy little bastard PingPong smiled at me hideously across the table. Even Annette raised an eyebrow in a humiliating I-told-you-so way which just broke my heart. I finally excused myself from the table, saying that I didn't feel to well and that I was going to join everyone later at the pick-up point for the jungle bus.
PingPong got up and yelled after me: "Oh, poor Mr.Stephan, you need powder you lady-part! So sorry for you! You very itchy, yes? You no scratch, no?"
The boss scolded him for this, but the damage was done, every one of these scurvy fucking bastards was giggling and when the boss added that prickly heat was indeed a serious affliction and not to be trifled with it really just made things worse. I was pissed off and went straight to the mini market, purchased a carton with 24 cans of Anchor-Beer, drank 4 of them right outside the shop and stuffed the rest into my backpack. I then went over to the bus which was supposed to take us to the waterfalls in the jungle. I opened up another can of anchor and stashed my backpack in the baggage compartment and waited for the rest of the crew to arrive. Annette tried to approach me but I was in no mood and went straight to the back of the bus and sat down by myself. She just shrugged her shoulders and sat down with the boss and started to ask him questions about THE COMPANY'S general outlook for 2012. So what, see if I care, I thought and went back to my fantasies of feeding PingPong to the crocodiles.
When we arrived at the jungle it was still a 30 minute walk to the waterfalls, which were in a rather remote location and unknown to most visitors. Our boss still remembered the location from his time with the rebels during the civil war, so it was really a sort of jungle expedition. I deliberately stayed behind to be able to drink my beer undisturbed and also because I didn't want to endure those glances of pity and of ridicule from the rest of the bunch. I had just crouched down behind a bush to get out a fresh can of beer when I heard some sort of commotion up ahead. Then, all of a sudden everybody came running and screaming out of the thicket and ran right past me without even taking notice of me. I turned to ask what in the hell was wrong with them, when something else came crashing along the path. Something stripey. With cute little ears. And not so cute looking fangs. Yes, I was face to face with one of the last remaining Asian tigers, and boy, did he look pissed!
It was clearly too late to make a run for the bus so I just started to throw my beer cans at him while raving and jabbering like a lunatic, mostly about how god should better think this through twice and did he really want to have me on his ass for the rest of eternity. The tiger stopped dead in his tracks, looking slightly confused and even backed up a little. Unfortunately I was down to my last can right then and didn't know what to do next. So I just stood my ground, ready to throw that last can once the beast would attack me. The tiger seemed equally unsure of what to make of the situation. Finally he swung one of his paws in my direction and growled threateningly.  And what did I do? I didn't run. I didn't scream. I didn't even throw the can in a last ditch effort to scare the big cat off. No, in a deeply subconscious reflex I popped the top of the can, said "Cheers, Pussycat" and drank what I was sure would be my last beer on earth. But before that damn jungle cat could make heads or tails of this a jeep of the Tourist-Police appeared behind me and send the tiger off into the jungle with a volley of warning shots.I was still so deeply in shock that I first tried to collect my beer cans before the policemen managed to get me into the jeep to drive all of us back to safety. When we got back to the bus the captain of the police congratulated me for taking such a brave stand when everybody else was running, and said the tiger would have surely gotten one of us if I hadn´t stopped him with my can throwing. I barely registered his voice, I was shaking so badly. Annette came running straight up to me and hugged me fiercely. I hugged her back, not just because I was glad to see her but also to keep my knees from buckling. Everybody was laughing and crying hysterically at the same time from the shock and the adrenaline. I do not recall the way back to the hotel very clearly, I just remember being back in our room with Annette fixing me a stiff gin tonic without the tonic. The next day we went to visit another, safe waterfall with a bunch of other tourists. It was decided to postpone the talks with the ex-rebels indefinitely and to return to Phnom Penh straight away. As I said at the beginning we didn't even make a toilet break. The boss came up to me once and said in a very sincere voice that from now on he would make sure that I would always have all the beer I wanted when I wanted it.
I guess that counts for something.
Sela.